Reality TV is shit.

Readers, I'm constantly apologizing for not being able to stay on top of this blog that I hold so dearly close to my heart. Along with my heart... it's been completely off the rails. I want to apologize but I really can't because I have to handle my own feelings and emotions and lately it's been pretty tough to hold myself above water.

It's been a fucking rollercoaster and it's not fun.

Let's further dissect for a moment. I have a very close/sister, best friend (Tay) that has helped me express my trauma and has never judged me. She gives me the freedom and comfort to do so.

I hope you can find a friend that does the same for you

because it's important to clear your mind.

She sat and listened to my MTV Real World experience and really dissected why I am the way that I am today.

People ask my how my experience was on the show and I usually answer with "it was a blessing and a curse." I'm unable to explain in detail because the interaction is very quick. Forgive me but it is very intimate and the majority will not relate or understand.

I might sound selfish and petty

because so many people wish they were able to be on the show.

I've never been able to tell my story because i felt selfish for not sounding grateful of my negative experience. I've realized that I am a full victim of mental and physical abuse by my roommates and production company.

She softly explained how I absolutely went through trauma and PTSD from the events that were broadcasted and went through. I was put in a toxic environment full of abuse and neglected from all parties.

I have not been able to cope with the emotional abuse and events that went on in that house. it's been 12 years... 12 fucking years! that I haven't been able to move on with my life. It's affected my friendships, my family, my ability to apply to certain jobs. Because when you google me, it's all negative content that has been posted. I have a unique name therefore cannot escape my past.

When a person puts broken glass around the suite and leaves post-it notes around the house encouraging me to commit suicide while on camera is absolutely unacceptable. What's also painful to accept is that production did nothing to intervene this abuse; it was simply a plot line and good tv... all for ratings. You're putting someone at risk of suicide, PTSD, depressions and anxiety. They did nothing to help me when I was crying for help while cutting myself in the restroom to relieve my pain.

What they did offer was to see a therapist but only if it was ON-camera... I declined to further be ridiculed and exposed more than I already have. I'm sorry but are you fucking kidding me!? You want to continue to make a show rather than to heal and help a person that is completely distraught and in pain.

You should have kicked this individual off the show... they do it now in 2021 but why not in 2009?

My roommates in the house did nothing to defuse the situation and or reach out to me in a genuine way. They simply "didn't want to get involved"... bullshit. I was alone throughout this time and it was the most painful and neglect I have ever felt. I felt worthless, unloved, misunderstood and a problem.

Tay validated my experience and advised I should take proper steps to help me grieve, accept, heal and admit that I shouldn't have gone through that abuse and that it wasn't my fault.

"you know what you're getting yourself into"

WRONG.

Respectfully and truly, I did not know what was going to happen. I wanted to have a good experience but that was stripped from me. My mentality and health is shattered because of this experience and it's very easy to smile through the pain.

I wanted to dismiss myself from the show because I couldn't handle it but production persuaded and convinced me to stay ,to grow and possibly learn something from this once in a lifetime experience. They also threaten to cut my pay if I left and it was against my contract.

I am now taking proper steps towards accepting that I am a victim of abuse and I have to begin to heal myself from this traumatizing experience.

more to come... stay tuned.