independence over neediness. wtf am I?

what is it about love that i love so much?

i come from a divorced family, don’t we all? i’m not victimizing myself but since i come from a divorced family, i naturally lack certain… lessons that people learn when their parents are still together.

hear me out.

people whom still have their parent together have grown to see two people reconcile their differences. i also have to thank my mom for not dating while raising me and my sister. the same way i didn’t grow up with parents working their problems out; is the same way i didn’t grow up in an abusive household. so there’s pros and cons to our situations.

my mom was a single working mother raising two girls. no help, all on her own and she did a damn good job. she was independent af and since she only relied on herself. she raised us to be independent as well. we had to learn how to cook for ourselves, walk ourselves home from school, take the city bus on our own, do our own laundry… etc. i wouldn’t change it for the world; but with great responsibility, comes great measures.

aside from all the other issues i have.

haha, very funny. admit that shit and own it.

i lack in the “letting others help me” department. my therapist says i’m unable to attach to anyone. what does it mean? good question. you see when you’re young, you naturally attach yourself to a parent or a guardian. someone you can count on… you know… takes care of you, nurtures you, loves you… someone you trust.

i didn’t grow up attaching myself to anyone because i found responsibility in being independent and raising myself. therefore this has brought me to not count on anyone in life but myself. i’ve realized that this has been a road block in my relationships.

i can also contradict myself majorly,

but this is why i’m blogging with you guys because

i know a lot of you can relate and i’m here to tell you,

you are not the only one if you’re feeling this way.

what do i mean when i say i contradict myself? another good question!

you see the same way i say i’m independent, is the same way i say that i crave and lack love. i know right!? so fucked up. i’m independent but i’m also needy af. where the fuck is up with that yo? i won’t allow anyone completely in my life because i know that with time, they’re on their way out. that might be some kind of abandonment type shit.

so lets recap, i can’t attach myself to someone because i’m always one foot out the door. then i date so much because i’m in the need of love.

fuck, good luck to whoever ends up with me right?

they’ll be just as confused as i am.

the funny thing is, is that when i walk into my therapist’s office and we break it down. all i want to know is how to fucking fix it! tell me how to fix it! that’s what i’m paying for, right? well as you have already figured out. she’s not allowed to just tell me the answers. i have to work them out with her guidance, blah blah blah.

anyway i’m somehow stuck between these two. i love love, i want love, i crave love and i’m also wanting to keep an arms distance because i’m expecting everyone to bounce whenever you want. when you give yourself to someone; you’re allowing this person to rip your heart out of your chest and dub step all over it. it’s a challenge i’m still trying to figure out. wish me luck because i’m most definitely needing it.

everyone deserves to be loved, regardless of the baggage you carry. thanks for reading my loves! love you guys!