i've lived a selfish life but when is enough, enough?

lovers! i am here, i am queer, i am sober, i am present! i can’t apologize enough for not publishing and writing blogs for you guys this year. i have been going through the struggle of life and i am back and ready to indulge in, out, within and in between you guys. eyyy!

i’ve been talking to some friends and i currently had a conversation about coming out, valuing yourself and just self worth. at a time like this, we need to check in with ourselves and remind ourselves to love ourselves and each other.

so let me begin with a few intimate questions..

do you value yourself? mentally, physically, with partners, with friends.

do they value you? you would expect them to, right? but in reality and some cases, they might not.

i will say that your self-value has to start from within yourself.

duh, you’ve heard it before but truly.

this is a lesson I’m constantly having to come back to.

do you like yourself? do you like who you’re becoming? are you capable of valuing someone else?

are you willing to dismiss people that do not value you? support you?

giiiiiiirl, i still can’t answer these myself, no judgement.

i lived life being selfish. i love being selfish. i rather hurt people before they get the chance to hurt me. it’s easier that way. i used to build walls and want them to knock them down but in reality, i was a fucking dick and never had the intention of letting them down. it was a fucking game and it was hurtful for them. my girls didn’t deserve that. unfortunately, i was an asshole and didn’t treat them the way i should have and karma has most definitely went around and bit me in the ass. it’s not okay and i know better now and i’m valuing the people in my life the way i should have a long time ago.

it’s fucking life, and life sucks sometimes but this is how we learn.

i mean i hate to ask myself this, but why was i trying to date seriously in my 20’s? i wasn’t ready. i was a handful for my ex’s and unfortunately i missed out on a lot of great women because of my immaturity. i lacked attention and love growing up and no one is able to make me feel whole but myself. i’m practicing to be less selfish, aware and transparent. i’m in a period of time that i’m either giving too much or not enough, i need to find a middle ground.

there’s no excuse to being selfish. my mom was a single mom raising two girls and she fucking killed it. it wasn’t until i was grown that i understood her struggle and lack of being around, lack of touch, lack of telling me how much she loved me because she worked three jobs. it’s life. we are not perfect and she did her best and it was honestly the fucking best. i love her but unfortunately it has transferred some neediness in me, not her fault, but we are a product of our environment. i crave/need love, touch and words of affirmation. its not everyones cup of tea. i believe i will find my fit and when i do, i will put my walls down. i want love and love hard and i won’t apologize for it.

i have lived a very selfish life because i have taken care of myself my whole life. I’m independent, i got this, always have, always will but i’m tired. am i asking for too much? is true love real? will someone just get it? will we fit each other? want each other? work for each other? i deserve to be loved and loved the way i want and need, we all do. i don’t believe in settling. you are worthy, you are one of a kind. i know there is plenty for us out there but choose wisely. you might fuck it up with someone special and you’ll never talk to them again. it wasn’t your time. the right one will come at the right time…

for the little ones, middle ones, older ones, coming out is a fucking struggle. again in my family, they didn’t speak to me for a year. our parents are latino, religious, from a small town, uneducated, stubborn, set in their ways. whatever it is, like i said before, i raised myself and looked at my family and said “if you can’t love me because of this, then so be it”.

you deserve more, you deserve support. easier for me because i wasn’t close to my family but for those who are… educate them, they love you, they will come around and if they don’t. i’m sorry but you deserve to be fucking happy and live your life the way you choose.

if you choose to make your parents happy and go by their word then fuck it, you’re happy. but I’m telling you, my family came around because i shamed them and educated them. my sister was my only support and she’s all i needed.

i was ready to disconnect and luckily they came around and chose to love me before their bible, their beliefs and whoever i chose to bring home. family, friends are always not welcoming to the unknown but i choose who i love. they trust that whomever i choose will treat me with love, communication, respect and honesty. boy, girl, transgender, bi… whatever. there are no limitations.

it takes time but for those who lose and have lost their families over being gay, bi, transgender, lesbian, i’m so sorry. you don’t deserve that. i believe that you will find someone to love you for you. it’s a process, we’ve all been there and are going through it. reach out, educate, don’t give up.

again, easier said than done but you deserve to be happy with whomever you choose. your family should set their shit aside and trust in you to be with someone that will treat you right.

what else is more important than being with someone that treats you the way any parent would hope their child to be treated?

be brave, communicate, educate and love will always conquer.