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i'm struggling.

Updated: Sep 17, 2020

let’s speak the truth.

i haven’t been honest with myself since mtv...

which most of you know me from.

i see you, some of you have been through this entire ride with me. thank you.

i’m not the girl that i used to be 10 years ago and i’m thankful for that. i’ve been through a lot, i’ve learned a lot, i’ve grown but it hasn’t been enough.

i’ve struggled. i mean i am still struggling, i’m not ashamed of it. i’m not where society would want or expect me to be at the age of 33. maybe i’m not where i saw myself at 33 either. i see my friends, i see my colleagues adulting. people have salaries, people are sober, people have insurance! girl, i don’t have insurance, i don’t have a salary, i’ve been working on sobriety and my mental health.

it’s not an excuse, i'm constantly working on my mental health, my purpose and my craft. i’m still figuring it out. the people i date are usually at a more advanced stage in their life and i am not. i don’t compare, but it does inspire me to push myself. i refuse for my wife to not be taken cared of. i know, i know, i shouldn’t be thinking of other people when i’m finding my health and my well being but, i have to be healthy for my friends, my family, my loved ones. it’s important. that is my push.

i know i haven’t reached my full capacity. i party, i play, i’m selfish, but i know it’s our responsibility to use our gifts to help people… to do better for them. i like making people feel good, that makes me feel good, therefore i find my loved ones being the reason to push myself.

i’m bipolar, depressed and anxious, there are days i can’t get out of bed. life is worth living and the only thing worth doing is to push further. we are our worst enemy and let me tell you, it is so good to share, it’s a release. i’m mature enough to pick it apart and express what i am feeling and right now, it’s not a good feeling. i am currently drowning in this feeling.

i don’t want to compare myself to other people because i know what i have to offer to the world is going to be greater than what i expect. this is what i want for myself, i have purpose. i want to help people, i want to help myself.

it’s hard. i’m an artist, i feel, i thrive off of experience and when i’m not in a manic episode my work excels. i’m trying to find a balance between my mental health and my creativity.

being on mtv’s real world has changed my life as well as my way of living and well being. being in the spotlight for a couple years and getting whatever i wanted whenever i wanted is something i’ve held onto and i need to let it go; i’m spoiled, i’m selfish, i’m privileged. i had an opportunity and unfortunately i didn’t strike when the iron was hot. do i regret it? i try not to think about it.

people won’t understand it, my roommates do. aneesa, jasmine, jonna, emilee… we’re all in different stages of life but something i know we can relate on is the mtv outcome. people see me and feel they know me. i met a chick that got the same tattoo i got on the show. holy shit, that’s awesome and i need to accept that i have an impact on people. i don’t fully understand it but it’s beautiful.

i want to be who i needed growing up and that’s a huge responsibility, which i why i’m writing this blog. some will relate and others won’t, but if i can save or educate one person thats enough for me.

after real world; i fucked, i flew, got over paid just for showing up, interviews with latina magazine, tmz, perez hilton, la times. it was an experience but i wasn’t ready. i was 22, i went into hermit mode and closed everyone off and that’s really taken a toll on my mental health. sobriety has cleared my head a lot and i realized that i have to let go of the past and start embracing my present and future.

i have to accept the fact that i’m no longer 22 and i’m no longer relevant in the mtv world. i could have but my mental health is way more important and still is. baby steps. i can’t do it alone and people see it as some type of responsibility and it is. it feels like i’m a burden when i ask for help but those aren’t the people that belong in my life.

accept it.

people say it’s okay to ask for help and it is, but people have their own shit to worry about. this is why i long for a partner so badly because i never had the motherly love, acceptance and nurture. as an individual, this is how i need to be loved and we shouldn’t be ashamed of that. it will come. i’m loving myself but that doesn’t complete me… being selfless does.

i’m not asking for a mommy but i’m needing a partner to see my potential… i know it’s in me, but i like to please people. i have it within myself, i just like to be pat on the back and validated. am i crazy? am i asking for too much? maybe, but the right person will naturally do it because it’s their way of loving. i’m tired of doing it alone and i’m tired of feeling like a burden. i need to let my past and pedestal go.

i need to fail, i need to try, i need to focus and i need to love myself.

i love you guys, thank you for being here. i appreciate all of you. hope i’m helping.

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