I'm a broken record.

I just finished watching the episode of One Day At A Time where Schneider relapses. Long story short a recovering alcoholic relapses after eight years. He went through a rough patch with a family member and has a drink.

One drink.

And he spun out of control. Yes, it’s a show and yes, it’s fictional but the situation is extremely relatable and real.

One drink, I can handle myself. I’m an adult, I can go out and have one drink. I can do this.

One drink turns to two then three then four, uh-oh I need a bump because I’m starting to see double, I have to sober up. Sniff, sniff. Here I am!

“Who wants to talk about anything and everything?”

4am.

“you’re leaving? Noooo, stay with me!”

Who’s up? Who can I text, there’s plenty of people out. Ding ding ding! There it is. Next location.

9am.

“fuck, why am I here? I have to go home.”

That is my typical night of light drinking with friends. It’s ridiculous, I know. everytime I think I can handle one drink, it turns into an early morning. I know I’ve been saying I need to go to a meeting but it’s hard. Standing up and introducing yourself with, “Hi, I’m so and so and I’m an alcohol” is fucking scary! Do I simply wait until I’m ready? Will I ever be ready? When will I be ready? I like being the life of the party. I like being adventurous, I like being fun and exciting! Why do I have to be drunk to do so?

Therapists are always saying, there’s so many activities and other things to do! When you go to meetings, you meet new friends! Friends that are also sober and they’ll support and introduce you to knew things. Game nights, plays, hiking, museums.

Like, I get it dude.

But those are day activities. I sleep during the day, I’m a night owl because I work in the nightlife, which also doesn’t help me. Am I willing to quit my job? No, it pays the bills and gives me time to creatively write for you guys.

They’re all excuses.

Being a functional and responsible addict needs to stop being my crutch.

Get your shit together Ayiiia.