i got vomit on my sweater...

i was woken up by my girlfriend opening my car door and whispering into my ear, “baby, it’s me, i’m here, lets go home”. i opened my eyes with a cup of vomit in my right hand and on my shirt. i had passed out in the car after 7 shots of tequila while at work, blacked out and in need of attention.

talk about mess girl.

time to go home.

i wish i could say that this doesn’t happen often but this blog is all about truth, inspiration, fuck ups and not being ashamed of your actions and/or thoughts. This is a space of truth and non judgement. I swore to myself that this time, every time, was it. i wouldn’t do this to myself and to the people around me anymore. Waking up with the feeling of regret is one of the worst feelings for me. it makes me anxious and then later leads to an anxiety attack. Before being medicated, it started becoming a trend for me to turn angry every time i drank. it sucked, i destroyed a couple relationships…

in which i later found out weren’t worth having.

thanks to my “happy pills”, i’ve become a happy drunk; a happy drunk who doesn’t know her limit because she’s used to doing cocaine while drinking.

for those of you who don’t know, when you do cocaine while drinking,

it gives you a sobering affect. therefore i’ve become custom to drinking 10 shots

of Jameson and still being my goofy ass self.

now that i am trying to sober off of drugs, the alcohol consumption has stayed the same therefore my 110lbs. body will and does spiral within minutes. Till this day, i have broken every single promise i've made to myself about quitting drugs and limiting the alcohol.

sorry fam but truth is truth.

Every time i go to work or out with friends in west hollywood, i pep talk myself into holding my ground and not doing blow. Don’t do it, Don’t do it, Don’t do it. i won’t do it. I’m totally fine. I’ll go out and have a couple drinks and come home. Totally chill night, right?

wrong,

wrong,

fucking wrong

.

Once the drinks start flowing, i crave a line… i ask, i get what i want… very easy.

you guys… once i start, i’m fucked.

i will continue to do line, after line, after line, i cannot stop. it’s now 10am and i either drive home or get an uber. i used to start fights with whatever girlfriend i was with at the time. i would get suicidal thoughts and this is when i realized i needed to get help, fast. i would begin to lose control of my thoughts and i would not be able to grasp any of them.

i've been getting drunk and high since i was 13 and for the first time I'm getting close to realizing that i might… i do, have a problem. it’s all I've known for 18 years… 18 fucking years of partying.

it’s a party,

it’s a celebration,

they’re memories,

live in the moment.

My therapist labeled me an addict and i’m supposed to be going to AA. Have i gone to a class? nope.

i can’t help but think, “i’m not like those people”, “i don’t have a problem”, “i’m in full control”. But when i’ve put my fist through a wall and my put my significant others in positions they don’t necessarily want to be in… i have to admit, i am sick and it’s become a problem.

i know a lot of you can relate and i’m telling you that i am here for you, we are in this together and we do deserve a better life.

we are stronger than the drug,

fight it, accept it,

move forward with me.

i wish us strength and healing,

You are not alone.