i don't want to go... i don't have a problem... i'm not like them...

i have my first meeting today… i once again was under the influence this weekend and made terrible decisions.

i know, i know,

it’s halloween weekend!

that's no excuse.

but i want it to be

but it can’t.

ugh.

this is the constant conversation and struggle i have going on in my head. good intentions and bad decision making. there is no doubt that i have great decision making skills when i’m sober. when i am under the influence; i lose all sense of responsibility, i lose all sense of credibility, respect, care, compassion, etc.

i’ve been putting going to aa off for a couple months now, my intentions have been good but i haven’t been able to step my foot inside the door. i’m having common thoughts about being committed.

i don’t have a problem.

i’m not like them.

i don’t wake up with a bottle in my hand every day.

i don’t get the shakes…

i don’t belong there

do i still think these things? yes. but maybe after tonight, i’ll change my mind. i can’t take credit for wanting to go to a meeting. after explaining some situations with my psychologist, we both learned that i need a little push… maybe not a little, but a lot.

like push me off the cliff push.

if i don’t have to, i don't wanna!

it’s not only the fact that i don’t think i belong there but who likes being the “new girl”? i’m scared. i don’t want to talk to anyone, i don’t want to make eye contact with anyone, i want my bubble to be stayed away from. the introvert in me wants to push everyone away. i’m not ready, i’m not ready!

i’m sure this will go away once i finish my meeting but my doctor said, the first step is the hardest to make.

this is my first step...

fml.