i have my first meeting today… i once again was under the influence this weekend and made terrible decisions.
i know, i know,
it’s halloween weekend!
that's no excuse.
but i want it to be
but it can’t.
this is the constant conversation and struggle i have going on in my head. good intentions and bad decision making. there is no doubt that i have great decision making skills when i’m sober. when i am under the influence; i lose all sense of responsibility, i lose all sense of credibility, respect, care, compassion, etc.
i’ve been putting going to aa off for a couple months now, my intentions have been good but i haven’t been able to step my foot inside the door. i’m having common thoughts about being committed.
i don’t have a problem.
i’m not like them.
i don’t wake up with a bottle in my hand every day.
i don’t get the shakes…
i don’t belong there
do i still think these things? yes. but maybe after tonight, i’ll change my mind. i can’t take credit for wanting to go to a meeting. after explaining some situations with my psychologist, we both learned that i need a little push… maybe not a little, but a lot.
like push me off the cliff push.
if i don’t have to, i don't wanna!
it’s not only the fact that i don’t think i belong there but who likes being the “new girl”? i’m scared. i don’t want to talk to anyone, i don’t want to make eye contact with anyone, i want my bubble to be stayed away from. the introvert in me wants to push everyone away. i’m not ready, i’m not ready!
i’m sure this will go away once i finish my meeting but my doctor said, the first step is the hardest to make.
this is my first step...