learning how to coexist

I once read, “the universe/god will continue you to give you the same lesson over and over again until you change the way you cope with it.” Well, it all fucking makes sense to me now, doesn’t it.

SO…. In the big gay world of west hollywood, the lesbian scene is a very small pool, and if you’re a femme lesbian… forget about it, that pool shrinks to a puddle… Listen, I personally pride myself on dating a girl that:

A. no one has dated

B. no one knows exists

C. Of course beautiful

Why you ask? Because I don’t want your fucking baggage (there's plenty of fish in the sea). Sorry bro, but it’s the truth. Sure, I might have one or two ex’s that had history with someone that I knew, but HELLO… where do you think I learned this lesson from?

Eh… Maybe I’m wrong… and a lot of people don’t agree with it… But I don’t care, it is what it is.

So anyways, back to my point… The universe/god (whatever you believe in) teaches you by putting you through situations you need to learn from and if you don't learn from them, guess what, you're being put through it again. Fool me once… shame on you.. fool me twice, weeeeeelll you know. The same problem will come back over and over until you are so mother fuckin smothered in it that you have no choice but to fucking learn because you're so god damn tired of having a problem repeat itself. it's painful but you know what... you wonder why it's reoccurring but here it is bro, you haven't learned your lesson! it's good for you! aren't we all here to become the person that we can be?

the universe believes in you,

you neeeeeed to learn.

It kills me and it'll kill you too and your heart will ache. I'll be real with you…my heart hurts; emotionally and physically... I'm fucking exhausted.

Recently, my ex is hanging with other ex’s and people (which has happened with previous ex's)… that… just weren’t as loyal as I thought they would be. BEFORE YOU SAY IT. I KNOW. I can’t tell who someone can and cannot hang out with.. I KNOW THIS.. as much I do, we can’t do that. I have to learn my lesson. I have to let it be, I have to let people be, I have to stop expecting, I have to just let things be.

I'm a control freak and my anxiety goes through the fucking roof

when I don't get my way.

I'm the baby of the family,

it's instilled in me but I HAVE to learn.

it's the straight world, when you've had a boyfriend for 6 months or to 5 years. it's girl code; your girlfriends, your friends will respect the fact that this person hurt you. I don't know about you but for me. when a girlfriend or boyfriends breaks up with their significant other, my loyalty is with my friend. regardless how much I loved their company; my friend is hurting. I'm there for them because they need me... regardless of how much I loved them, if they're right or if they're wrong... they weren't good to my friend and my heart and loyalty stands with them.

I can teach them, I can put myself in the other persons shoes, I can calm them, I am there for them, you're my fucking friend. we will learn together, we will fuck up together but what are friends for? as much as I love and get along with their significant other ... my friend is my friend. I love you, I'm here for you, even if you might have fucked up. no one is perfect but I will cut ties with your ex and/or their friends.

What do you expect from a friend? their honesty, their loyalty.... i share my stories and I say how it is with caution (we're not perfect and that's ok). I have no shame. I’ll tell you how I feel when I feel left out (that goes back to my childhood with my mother and I'm working on it) but when the people I once got along with and shares my secrets and fucking dreams with… are now strangers (it sucks). I guess you can say it’s my pride and ego that just refuses to put myself through anymore discomfort. I’m sensitive.

Is it lonely? Sure.

“It’s better to be alone than with bad company”

-George Washington

George Washington said that shit?

I didn’t know either haha.

Now we know.

A recent ex is now hanging out with other ex’s and people that just weren’t as loyal as I thought they would be. I know, I know, I know, I can’t tell people who they can and cannot hang out with (as much I do and have, it's just not right). we can’t do that, I have to learn my lesson. I have to let it be, I have to let people be, I have to stop expecting, I have to just let things be.

No tantrums,

No ill will,

nothing.

it's painful, I like to feel physical pain when I'm experiencing emotional pain,

I got two tattoos today because I was sad.

felt great.

I mean think about it, in the straight world, if your ex boyfriend starts hanging out with your best friend/ex's or people that did you wrong... what and how would you feel?

the gay world is different,

their standards are different.

it's same sex, it's thirsty.

I date hot women and I have a lot of ex's so I can't be surprised that they go around.

they're going to go around and people are going to want to pick up the ball I dropped.

it's valid... not for me but I get it.

that's just not me.

I'm too prideful to have someones sloppy seconds.

again though,

I believe in love and if it wasn't for me,

I wish that they find it with whoever.

but really... who else is going to do it for you? I’ve never had a lesson stuck on repeat for so damn long man. Why did I spend countless days in bed with depression because those people didn’t nurture my feelings. I loved them. sure I'm not the best girlfriend and that's hard because I love hard. I'm waiting for love... and to be with my best friend and love with conquer.

is that too much to ask for?

in WeHo... it seems like i'm asking for a lot...

but that won't make me go back on my morals.

I need to be done. Let it go. It has nothing to do with you... no one is trying to hurt you ayiiia, let your guard down. people are different and that's OKAY!

I'll be honest.

I like making things about my self,

it's my narcissism.

but I have to remember,

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

Life is so beautiful and you choose how you feel, you choose how you let people affect you.

when things get tough dude, I'm not leaving. my feet would be stuck to the sand. you don't leave someone you love because they're fucking up and dealing with a hard lifestyle. that's when my ex's come up short, yes SHORT. they're beautiful women and I fuck up (not cheating wise) but when you're going through shit and want space and time to figure shit out... don't break up with me. take a month or two to yourself and figure it out but I would never leave you if I truly love you. not happening. we're not perfect and I understand growing pains in a relationship.

Am I a bad person?

All I hear is everyone hates me... (i'm not pitying myself but it's true).

It’s not an easy pill to swallow and you know what… swallow it Ayiiia. Fucking swallow it. SWALLOW IT!

YOU FUCK UP BUT LEARN. that's what i'm trying to do.

Tomorrow is a new day. Everything heals with time. I need to grow, I need to stop depending on people to take care of my own sanity. It’s unreal, unrealistic. It’s heartbreaking. Why am I doing this to myself?

Doing this has caused me to cut people out of my life and I don’t know if that’s necessarily the right thing to do and it hurts me a lot but what else am I going to do? Keep people in my life that I don’t trust? It’s hard to trust people, even harder to open up, so the loss is great. I miss every single one of you. I'm a loyal ass ex girlfriend and friend.... you come first before anyone else. Everyone wants to date everyone and they don’t have morals or even think about who it’s going to hurt, they’re honestly just think about themselves.

everyone is so quick to date people and hurt their friends or ex's when really, you should respect the people who once loved you and cared for you. why would I want to hurt you?

I've talked and been interested in plenty of girls but as soon as they say who their ex-girlfriend are or are friends with people I like or dislike... dude it's cut. I'm sorry but again, it's not the worst thing. PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA and even though I might not deserve them right now, I want that. being true to someone is so real and true. I want that. A down ass bitch.

They say they aren’t looking out for themselves but they are girl.

Be real.

loyalty is real and thirst is real and it's hard for people to keep their word.

and again, THAT'S OKAY! but not for me.

I am a woman of my word and even if I dislike you,

I wouldn't betray you, I wouldn't wish ill, that's it.

I just hope that the women my ex's continue with are real with them

because no matter the heart ache, I believe in love

and who am I to stand in front of that?

love is real man, and everyone deserves that.

if it's not you, it's okay, wish them love.

again, my ego and pride will say once you're done with me, you're done.

that's it. healthy? no.

but it is what it is.

everyone deserves true love.

I know I love myself too much and that again is not bad. shit's hard man but if you say you love me, stick with me because I am a great lover, teach me, talk to me, don't give up on me. I'm not easy but I have a huge heart and just waiting for that person to shine through my life.

there's times you need to love yourself in certain ways (I'm hella selfish, I raised myself but I'm learning, it's hard but I'm open to learning, incorporating someone into your life is extremely hard. I love so hard and I fuck up. I never want to hurt anyones feelings and vise versa but you can work anything out for me for the person that you love... just be patient and communication is key, don't give up. After all, as much as I want to depend on someone, no one will love me or treat me better than I will…

besides my pup Molly, she’s cunty but awesome. stay alive, stay vibrant and be okay with being alone... you're beautiful. work to be a better you.

The fucking End.