but have you dated two girls at once?

Good morning!

Let us dip into the relationship part of this blog… my personal favorite. My relationship life has been quuuuuite the ride. Anyone who knows me, follows me, hates me, likes me, will agree and I am the first to admit it and own it. Why? Because i’m not ashamed of my past. i’m one of the few that can admit and confess to the dirty shit i’ve done. Why? Because it’s molded and continuing to mold me into the person i want to be, should be and meant to be.

Everyones path is different and this is mine.

Welcome to the shit show…

you’ll be entertained…

Relationships are hard and at the beginning of this year, i would have told you that relationships fucking suck. i’ve been dating since i was 13; some were good, some were bad, some were lost but regardless of the bullshit, i was always looking forward to the next one, the new.

i’ve come a long way since i’ve come out on national television (MTV’s real world). Coming from a Latina family, this shit was not easy. i had a threesome on television with one of my reality tv roommates. My life was turned upside down after the episode aired,

i mean shit, what did i expect, right?

No one is ever ready to reveal the skeletons in their closet.

i'll dive deeper in some later posts but as of now what i can tell you is if it wasn't for those experiences, i don’t think I’d be able to love and appreciating the girlfriend i have now.

recently i've learned that there is always room for improvement and you cannot do that until you are ready. My therapist would say, “You’re not able to see how beautiful and unique your soul is. You’ve been given such a negative title your whole life that you’re simply just playing into it now. i don’t blame you. It’s easier for you to give people what they want rather than challenging it.”

This is mostly because i’ve taught myself to not give a shit about what others thought of me.

You think i’m the devil, so be it. After MTV, i was judged, manipulated and torn apart by viewers. i couldn’t give people that much power so instead, i did what I wanted and lived however i wanted. i didn’t care about who I hurt because i was hurt.

i used to take the easy way but i now take full ownership for the things i've said and done… What i will partially blame are my symptoms of battling depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. i was always against medication because we all hear terrible zombie-like stories. But for me, medication has immensely helped me and is no longer my enemy. I was able to be very open with my psychiatrist about my symptoms and finding the right medication for me. i learned you shouldn't feel hazzy or numb when medicated.

It wasn’t until i hit rock bottom that i needed help because of a breakup involving two women. yes, yes. I had feelings for two women at the same time, the lines were grey within both so it wasn’t consider cheating on either.

That was a fucking headache but i’m ayiiia,

I like to learn the hard way.

(details coming soon)

They were both very aware of the situation, both relationships ended badly and i spiraled. You think one heartbreak hurts, try two. I was in a terrible place mentally and i only had myself to blame. Not only did i hurt the two most important women in my life at that time but I had to deal with the guilt. i've carried weight before but this was unbareable.

I’m at the age where i’m conscious of my conscious.

I’ve hurt people in the past and this was beyond fucked up.

I guilted and shamed myself to the point of having no will to live.

I was feeling suicidal and was close to signing myself into a mental institution. I scared myself because i had lost control and knew i needed to do something fast. As depressed as i was, i couldn't imagine putting my sister through that pain. she was my only will to live. This is the moment i committed myself to therapy and the importance of mental health. Therapy gave me a grip of the little rope i had left.

Suicide?

Fuck no,

Get some help ayiiia.

I'm glad it happened, honestly if i hadn't hit rock bottom i wouldn't have seeked the help i needed.

your mind is a tricky little thing,

its a powerful tool that you must keep tabs on.

Life is hard, situations are hard, people fucking suck (including myself) but i will say that everything happens for a reason. I am now on medication and in control of my symptoms and surrounded by beautiful, encouraging people. I wouldn’t be able to do this on my own. Besides my struggle with partying, i am such a beautiful place in my life. I never thought i'd be able to be in control over….my emotions, my reactions, my thinking process and my ability to make good decisions. Exercise, journaling, therapy, and medication are my ways to heal and cope.

I encourage you to stick with me for the rest of this ride. I look forward to going deeper into every aspect, subject and thought that comes to mind.

There is help, the question is… are you willing to take it? Do not shame what you do not know. For me; i tried exercising, thinking positively and speaking out but what really helped me is my medication. Everyone is different but no matter what, its not fair to tell people to get over it, to stop being weak or that they're being overly sensitive. Fuck that and fuck them, mental illness is real and it sometimes needs medical attention.

it really just comes down to science.

you might be chemically imbalanced and it's okay.

I know you were probably expecting a juicy relationship story but be patient with me, I’m setting you up for what's to come so i’m trying to hit the basics first. Let me flow and let us flow together. Enjoy your Wednesday! Thanks for riding.