abortions... grief or relief?

this is a deep deep conversation for me and it’s close to my heart because of its a sensitive subject. i had an abortion when i was 17. do i reget it? no. am i relieved, yes. people who have an abortion, in which i read are either regretful or feel relieved. lucky for me, i was the type who felt relieved.

i’m sorry for the women who have felt differently from me but this is how i feel and i’m going, to be honest with my readers. i had a boyfriend of a year and a half in high school. he was all trouble. he was handsome, he was charming, we had great sex and we were trouble. the definition of bonnie and clyde was us. we went to high school and made out in every hallway, every parking lot would go to bathroom breaks together by texting and meeting somewhere, we would ditch school and do drugs and drink together. he was my pudding. like harley and the joker.

we were so good for being bad together. anyway, we were wild together and i loved that coming from a broken home. he was so charming that i held onto every word he said. he came from a tough background, the same way i did. we found comfort within each other and i will always hold it close to my hard because we need that. we need this type of experience once in our lifetime. the wild, the hard, the passion, the fucked up of it. we need it because we need to experience and learn that we don’t want that in a long term relationship. at least, i didn’t.

i was 17! what did i now, it was puppy love and it was worth it. my family knew we weren't going to last, therefore they allowed it. i love them for that and if we were still together.

giiiiiiiirl, they’ be shitting themselves.

i don't blame them.

we were young. anyway, we had sex without protection. why? i have no clue but the only excuse i have is that we had so much passion, no one had time to look or go buy a condom. i was in love, i was head over heels. i didn’t care if he mistreated me, he was mine, and that's all that mattered. i knew he was cheating on me and i still didn’t care. he was the school's bad-boy and he was with me.

i was his girl,

he came home to me,

he wrote me letters,

he held me at night.

nothing beat that. therefore i let him be. i was young, in love, and didn’t know how to love myself. who does at 18? not an excuse but we were all there and if you weren’t, kudos to you girl or boy. that’d fucking dope.

we got pregnant. i told him, like any 17 year old, he didn’t believe me. at this point, i would say anything to have him stay with me. he broke up with me before that. therefore he thought i was the type of girl that would say i was pregnant for him to stay with him. i wasn’t.

i was pregnant at 18 and didn’t know what to do. i told my best friend and she held my way the entire time. she’s pro-life so for her to not judge me or try to convince me, she was and is a great fucking friend/person/human to help me. i was underage and still under my mom's insurance but could you believe if i got a letter in the mail from planned parenthood!?

dude, my mom’s mexican, she opened my mail whenever i had mail. it was her house.

there was no such thing as privacy.

i went through medi-cal. i don’t know shit about insurance and i had to read, do my research, and educate myself for my own sake. thank goodness for planned parenthood dude. they do help and are there for us.

disclaimer: if you're going to give, give to planned parenthood.

we weren't having safe sex and i paid for it. i got pregnant and didn’ t know what to do. i wasn’t close to my sister, she would tell my mom. i wish i had my sister at that time but i’m a survivor. i’ve raised myself and could only count on myself.

let's go ayiiia.

you don’t have options.

i wasn’t going to have children with an unstable relationship, minimum paid job, and delinquent as fuck! i call it smart, some people call it selfish. i wasn’t safe and people might say that my child or children didn’t deserve to not have a choice. i’m pro-choice.

you know how many children are in foster care, uncared for, mistreated, live with little. i didn’t want that for my children. i was 17, i had no business putting that burden on my mom because let us be real. the fall would be on her. people call it selfish, i call it selfless. i don’t believe in killing children but it’s science for me, it’s a fetus. it doesn't have life until a certain amount of months.

if people are going to argue with me; i would ask this. do you eat meat? do you eat eggs? you’re killing a baby, human or animal. it’s a baby. i’m sorry to say and i’m sorry for those who don’t agree but you can not tell a woman what to do with her body.

i agree with the fact that the male has very little say in the decision making but men also have to understand that this is the woman that is birthing your child. it’s very common and easy for men to run out.

hello!?! how many of your dads are missing?

mine is.

sure, they’re not all the same but they’re unattached.

a woman has a certain connection and your child support isn’t enough to take care of my or anyone's child. so yes, a woman has every right to say and make a decision of what she chooses to do. i’m sorry guys.

i had an abortion and it was surprisingly relieving for me. i wasn’t ready. it turned out that it was twins and i didn’t realize until i had a conversation with one of my ex-girlfriends' sisters. the woman doing my sonogram asked if i wanted to know if it was twins. i quickly responded with, i don't want to know anything, just do what you have to do. it wasn’t until i spoke to my friend and she asked why would they ask that unless it was twins.

i would have had the first twins in my family since my grandma's sister. it wasn’t until that moment that it punched me in the gut a bit.

like, damn.

two.

i felt down for a couple of days but then thought. girl, TWO!? with a boyfriend that was in and born into a biker gang. it wasn’t until we broke up that he confessed why he broke up with me. he said, he saved me. he explained how he knew i deserved better because he loved me that much and i didn’t deserve the life he would have given me. in and out of jail, getting into trouble, never being home.

i appreciate that i love him for that. is it bullshit? i don’t know and i never will but i think we made the right decision for ourselves and for the children we decided not to have.

sounds fucked up.

but it’s how you look at it. everything happens for a reason and this was my path therefore i trust it. the end.

I will talk about my feelings later when I'm ready but this is an introduction.